Lawyer Jokes

Q: How does a pregnant woman understand she is carrying a future lawyer?

A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Q: What is the legal definition of Appeal?

A: Something a human slips on in a grocery store.

Q: Why did God generate snakes just before lawyers?

A: To practice.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?

A: Your Honor.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you cant understand.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Senator

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

A: It comes with half of Kens things and alimony.

Q: Whats the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

Q: Whats the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: Whats the difference between lawyers and accountants?

A: At least accountants know theyre boring.

Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Do not worry. You will never go to jail with all that funds ? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didnt have a dime.

2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "Theres a fire across the street, and we didnt want you to think you had died."

3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think youre going to find a lawyer?"

4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I am here to hook up your phone."

And finally:

You Might Be A Lawyer If